Moronic Irrigation

It might come as a bit of a shock to you, but the majority of people appear to be morons.

I can't exactly claim to be particularly clever myself. After all, in the past I have done the following:

• Accidentally put PVA glue into a cup of tea instead of milk. And taken more than one sip to realise the error
• Walked away from a cashpoint without taking the money with me
• Watched an ITV drama unironically

There is one area, however, where I presume to elevate myself above the chatter masses. This is because I know the difference between 'Climate' and 'Weather'. Going further, I know what the terms 'Global Warming' and 'Climate Change' actually mean. And with Copenhagen, email-gate and all that jazz currently taking centre stage, I figured I should probably address it somehow.

Exhibit A: At the barbers a couple of years ago, when I revealed during the traditionally awkward chat with the hairdresser that I was a climate scientist, she proceeded to take umbrance with me. This was because, having heard about "That climate change and that" she went out and bought some tropical plants to put in the garden. And do you know what happened? They died! Who would've thought that tropical plants would die in a garden. In Birmingham. In February.

"Global warming my arse!" she cried, indignantly.

You also get the cavalcade of knuckle-dragging idiots who say things like "the weather here is shit anyway, I'll be glad of it being 2 degrees warmer!"

To those people, I've got a bit of a shocking fact for you. Britain is not really supposed to be even as warm as it is now. If you take a look at a map, Britain is at the same kind of latitude as Canada, parts of Alaska, southern Russian, and in the southern hemisphere, Cape Horn. Around half of Britain is within 10 degree's of the Arctic circle. It should be fucking freezing.

Handily for us, however, the warm sea and air currents from the North Atlantic, called the jet stream, mean that our climate is far warmer than you'd expect for such a latitude.

As global average temperatures increase, and the ice caps continue to melt, however, those currents will almost certainly change. There is already evidence of fluctuation in the jet stream causing 'weird' weather. And it wouldn't take a lot of deviation to suddenly plunge us into similar weather to Norway.

Global Warming is a bit of a misnomer in that sense. While, on average, the planet is getting warmer, the Earth is a very diverse, heterogeneous sort of place. Not everywhere will respond in the same way. Climate Change is a far more accurate term for what's happening.

That does rely somewhat on knowing the difference between climate and weather, though.

PS I am fully aware that I actually mean precipitation in the title. I couldn't think of any better puns. So fuck you. (Not quite Charlie Brooker yet, am I)

Puke-lear Fallout

For me, several things emerged from Nick Griffin's Question Time roasting last night.

Firstly, I was glad to see variously Baroness Warsi, Jack Straw and Bonnie Greer highlight points I made in this very blog yesterday. It's refreshing to see that at least somebody had a go at thinking things through rationally when it came to dealing with Griffin.

The thing I feared most about the show was not the spectre of it turning into a platform or pulpit from which Griffin could preach hatred. Frankly, anyone who ever thought that was plausible needs their head seeing to, and probably owe David Dimbleby an apology for doubting that he couldn't keep Griffin firmly in his place. No, the biggest fear I had was that it would go too far the other way, that the whole thing would be reduced to a pathetic, childish pantomime of hate and counter-hate, leaving the exercise pointless.

As I said yesterday, by far the most effective way to deal with the BNP is to tackle them head on. If you make someone explain a prejudice they will undoubtedly fall into circular internal logic which makes sense only to them. I coudl write essay after essay rebuke the foundations of white British racism, but that is a subject for another, much angrier time.

Mr Griffin has come out complaining that he was put up against a hostile "lynch mob" audience for the show. The problem with that, however, is that on several occasions you could hear one or two isolated claps of approval for some of the things Griffin said about immigration, suggesting he wasn't entirely without sympathetic ears. Extrapolating further, 2-3 people in an audience of around 150 (at a guess) isn't far from being fairly representative of how much support the BNP actually have in this country. Perhaps if he doesn't want to get "lynched" he should consider staying at home more often.

Charlie Brooker, yet again, summed it up superbly via twitter: "Question Time seems to have given birth to a new phenomenon: 'the cyanide of publicity'".

The show, which I would describe as a palpable success for the BBC, for freedom of speech, and for rational politics, was set against a slightly more depressing backdrop, however.

Firstly, there is still plenty of vocal opposition to the BBC's decision to invite Griffin on at all. The no-platform strategy continues to blunder along. The concept of 'legitimising' the BNP's far-right and racist foundations continues to be throw as a criticism at the BBC, in spite of the fact that the BNP are a registered political party that has stood in and won elections at European and Local level for several years now. It is too late to worry about whether or not they are legitimate or not. That horse has bolted. And as was demonstrated last night, it's not the most taxing of tasks to de-legitimise them again with calm, rational argument.

There is still the tendency for childish, counterproductive, belittling behaviour towards the BNP and Griffin in particular. This only plays into the hands of the BNP and their supporters. By demonising Griffin in one circle, you make him a hero or martyr in another. We have to elevate ourselves above that much, because there will be plenty of time for joking when Griffin and co are consigned to a footnote in history.

Most depressing though was the 'protest' outside television centre, which was nothing short of moronic. Since when is it a good idea to respond to hatred and prejudice with more hatred, more prejudice, oh and some casual violence thrown in to boot. What the fuck were those people thinking? Did they think the BBC would tear up its charter mid afternoon and cancel the show? Did they think that if they made enough noise, came up with enough childish chants and broke a few plot plants that Nick Griffin would suddenly realise he shouldn't be a racist? Did they think that every white supremacist in the UK would suddenly have a change of heart?

Nazis fucking LOVE that kind of shit. Wake the fuck up Britain, and get serious. It's the ONLY way to defeat fascism.

There's no 'Twat' in the Union Jack.

"La la la la I'm not listening la la la la la la"

That's the sound of British politics 'dealing' with fascism and the BNP. The strategy of non-platform, non-engagement of the mainstream with the more extreme parties and groups has been a popular one for many years now, with the rationale being something along the lines of 'out of sight, out of mind'.

It just might have worked as well, had they not also applied the same strategy to people living in the poorest, most deprived areas of the country.

Whilst it saddened me greatly, it did not even remotely surprise me that the BNP managed to get two representatives elected into the European Parliament. And let's not forget that they were elected by proportional representation, fairly and above board. There are two reasons for this:

1) In an EU election, Europe is pretty much the only issue on the table. A party which campaigns solely on grounds of xenophobia and racism would find themselves in the mix where pretty much every other issue is completely ignored. Those who really gave that much of a shit about not being part of Europe would vote for them, or indeed UKIP, whilst everyone else simply didn't bother to vote because of the expenses scandal, or because they just don't see the point of the EU parliament (a point which is surprisingly hard to argue against) resulting in a massive percentage gain for the BNP, even if their actual raw count of votes fell just like every other parties.

2) The three major parties completely and utterly dropped the ball. Like not even dropping it, actively throwing it to the ground. Rather than listen to people who are struggling to get by on or below the breadline, working minimum wage if they're lucky, who may see what they think is preferential treatment shown towards immigrant communities, and addressing those issues, instead they based their campaigns on "I know we fucked up the expenses thing, but don't vote for the smelly racists!"

Frankly, we are now beyond the point where the BNP are a laughable minority group that can simply be ignored or ridiculed. It's a problem that will grow and grow apace until someone faces up to it.

I am already sick of hearing people complaining about Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time this evening. Being offended by something is absolutely no reason to sweep it under the carpet. Being offended will not prevent you from functioning as a human being. I have never heard anyone call in sick for work because they were offended by something. Grow. The fuck. Up.

It is about time that everyone climbed out of that layer of cotton wool, took their fingers out of their ears and came out from hiding behind the sofa. The BNP are a joke of a party, but stooping to childish ridicule is the worst possible way to deal with them.

I can only hope that there will be a reasonably sensible audience for Question Time. Obviously I'm not going to hold my breath, but wouldn't it be brilliant if nobody brought up the issue of race, or immigration? What if all the questions were about schools, the economy, health care and so on. What exactly would Nick Griffin do then? They don't have policies about these things?

I only wish I lived in London so I could have gone along to the show. My first question would've been "Mr Griffin, what sort of economic stimulus package do you have planned, and how do you plan on tackling the budget deficit?", then watch him squirm.

When it comes down to it, racism is based on a false axiom, and backed up with flawed internal logic. It's hypocritical and it's moronic. You're not going to change Nick Griffin, or any hard core racist for that matter, because they simply aren't willing to see your point of view. Everyone else, on the other hand, can easily be shown how baseless their arguments are.

And the only way to do it is to calmly, rationally, take them on. Put them on the platform, then chip away the foundations until it all comes crashing down.

If that offends you, then you're a fucking idiot. (You're allowed to be offended by that part).

Moir of the same...

Wow. I'm not sure I've ever ridden a bandwagon quite like this one, but the Jan Moir thing just keeps getting better.

While it shows up my staggering lack of talent as a writer, it is always nice to have Charlie Brooker on your side in an argument. Also, it doesn't take much more than a cursory leaf through today's Twitter activity to see just how many people are just how upset by this.

The magnificently satisfying cherry on top, however, is that not only has Moir been forced into a rushed 'clarification statement', but that it's only digging her in still deeper. I've linked to it, but I feel it's worth re-publishing in full right here:

"Some people, particularly in the gay community, have been upset by my article about the sad death of Boyzone member Stephen Gately. This was never my intention. Stephen, as I pointed out in the article was a charming and sweet man who entertained millions. However, the point of my column -which, I wonder how many of the people complaining have fully read - was to suggest that, in my honest opinion, his death raises many unanswered questions. That was all.

"Yes, anyone can die at anytime of anything. However, it seems unlikely to me that what took place in the hours immediately preceding Gately’s death - out all evening at a nightclub, taking illegal substances, bringing a stranger back to the flat, getting intimate with that stranger - did not have a bearing on his death. At the very least, it could have exacerbated an underlying medical condition.

"The entire matter of his sudden death seemed to have been handled with undue haste when lessons could have been learned.

"On this subject, one very important point. When I wrote that ‘he would want to set an example to any impressionable young men who may want to emulate what they might see as his glamorous routine’, I was referring to the drugs and the casual invitation extended to a stranger. Not to the fact of his homosexuality. In writing that ‘it strikes another blow to the happy-ever-after myth of civil partnerships’ I was suggesting that civil partnerships - the introduction of which I am on the record in supporting - have proved just to be as problematic as marriages.

"In what is clearly a heavily orchestrated internet campaign I think it is mischievous in the extreme to suggest that my article has homophobic and bigoted undertones."

Now then. Just a couple of issues with this. Just a couple of tiny, teeny weeny little quibbles I have with this as a statement.

Firstly, Jan, people did read your whole article. That is where most of your problems seem to be originating from. If people had stopped after the first paragraph, then you could almost disguise it as a eulogy. You might even get away with the first paragraph being read out at his funeral.

No the problem I had was that I read all of it and now I can't un-read it. Those words are now locked away somewhere in my subconscious mind ready to rear up and remind me what an awful human being you are Jan, just when I'd almost forgotten about it.

Next, you certainly seem to know an awful lot about what Mr Gately was doing in the hours before his death. Were you there? Did you murder him? You seem pretty sure that illegal drugs, going to nightclubs and making new friends can kill someone. Did you spike whatever drugs you seem absolutely sure he'd taken with rat poison, or arsenic? Maybe some brick dust too? Why let the facts of the post mortem get in the way of a good unsubstantiated gay-bashing eh?

Dealing with the matter with undue haste is something you'd probably wish we were doing about you right now too Jan. Maybe we should all stop reading your article and making legitimate complaints to your regulatory body and just give you the benefit of the doubt.

Next, the way you wrote your article definitely suggested that Civil Partnerships all end in failure, despair and ultimately death. Either that is what you meant and now you're desperately backtracking, or you're a terrible writer. Either way you look at it, you probably deserve one of those knee-jerk sacking of which your employers are so fond when dealing with such 'scandal'.

Finally, the "orchestrated internet campaign" consisted of some people reading your article, being utterly horrified by it, making other people aware of this, who then had similar feelings and so on. If it was orchestrated, who was orchestrating it? Who orchestrated all those PCC complaints? My personal complaint was orchestrated by me. My blog has a readership of, I would guess, maybe 10. If I didn't orchestrate it Jan, who did?

It is not "mischievous" to suggest your article had "homophobic and bigoted undertones". Mainly because it did. But also because, even if it wasn't your intention, giving you that benefit of the doubt, it would be a mite hypocritical for you to take me on about making wild unsubstantiated assumptions about the circumstances in which a controversial event occurred, wouldn't it?

You sow the thunder, now you reap the whirlwind, Jan. Fuck you very much.

Chain Mail

It's taken a while for me to get properly wound up about anything. Wound up enough to blog to a reasonable standard anyway. It might be a reflection on the fact that I'm content doing something I find interesting in a place that I quite like living softening off whatever edge I used to have. It might be a sign that I'm starting to mellow with age. Either way, it didn't bode well for my new blog.

That was until this morning, where by the magic of idly parousing Twitter I came across mention after mention of an article about Stephen Gately from the Daily Mail website. I resisted for as long as I could, but in the end I couldn't help but bite.

And bite I did. Through my tongue, then the edge of my laptop, through the desk and into my knees.

I'm all for a bit of casual and misplaced anger and indignation for a giggle, but usually about something that doesn't really matter. You know the kind of thing. The Job Centre, queueing, young people, Lady Gaga etc. But to go on such a tirade about someone who has just fucking died, in the crudest and most pathetic manner possible? For fuck's sake, I even refrained from properly going after Jade Goody, even though that one was an open goal.

No, Jan Moir has properly gone for it, shot for the moon and ended up exploding in a supernova of ill-informed, reactionary, idiotic bullshit. She's taken 2, added 2 and come up with bluetack, an answer she's willing to really get behind.

The crux of her article appears to be that, rather than a pulmonary oedema, Stephen Gately actually died of 'THE GAY'. Because middle class, heterosexual white folks have never ever done anything sleazy, underhand, depraved or awful. That is exclusively the preserve of 'the gays' apparently.

It's just staggering that someone could be so coniving and vicious about someone's untimely death on the same page as airing their views about Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's dress sense. There is less than no perspective or thought in there. Negative thought has happened. My mission for the rest of the day is to come up with a new word for this. My initial go is the verb 'to mind haemorage'.

I'm starting to wonder how far the Mail will have to sink in order for their readership to finally turn around and say "Woah, steady on there"

This comes in the same week as a story breaking that various tabloids will literally print anything without even making cursory fact checks.

Sigh.

Hypocritic Oath

Yeah, so the Roman Polanski thing is all a bit confusing isn't it?

Initially, you're all like "Boooo, bloody yankee doodles pissing all over extradition agreements and justice in general. What a bunch of bastards."

But then you read past the headline, and that's where I find the problems usually start.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but regardless of his film making acheivements Polanski is a convicted sex offender. Convicted might not be the right word, as I think by pleading guilty there wasn't a trial, and I'm not sure if that still makes you convicted. Any road, charges were brought, he pleaded guilty and was awaiting sentencing, at which point he skipped bailed and left the country.

What I'm getting from this is that the Great and the Good of Hollywood and elsewhere appear to believe that this was an OK thing to do. I wonder if public opinion in the states is getting behind this point of view too? It seems a bizarre juxtaposition of the Fox News "Downfall of Society", 'To Catch A Predator' style media led public paedophile hunt with the Michael Jackson style, "Fuck it, it's Michael Jackson, just give him some kids to touch, he's Michael Jackson for christ's sake!" attitude that appears to be rallying behind Polanski too.

When you then compare that with the attitude shown in this country towards the likes of Gary Glitter, Chris Langham and Matthew Kelly (who wasn't even guilty of any sex offences I might add, no charges were even brought in that case) then my mind starts to fold itself into a mobius strip and go on a loop of "What? - Hang on - But - What? - Hang on - But..."

What is Hollywood saying? It's OK to be a sex offender? It's not OK to be a sex offender, but if you did it ages ago just forgive and forget? It's not OK to be a sex offender, but skipping the country rather than serving your punishment is fine? France is kind of like jail anyway?

In conclusion, I'd like to quote the great philosopher Gwen Stefani:

"This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S."

Cheeses Christ

It seems I picked a pretty good time to pitch up in Cardiff. I mean what could be better than an international cheese festival happening within a week of your arrival? Not much, my friends. Not much.

Aside from the stalls proffering forth free samples of delicious chutneys, ciders, ice creams and top notch local produce, aside from Sheelanagig playing frantic monster folk stompers while you queue for the marketplace tent, aside from the wonderfully yet subtle and dry perry sliding effortlessly down your throat, there was the cheese.

I mean, cheese is pretty amazing as it is, but some of these cheeses... I wanted to sexually gratify the people that made some of them, such was the bounteous wonder of their flavours.

I have, however, had major league acid reflux for the rest of the day as a result.

Totally worth it.